fbpx
Posted on 1 Comment

Self-compassion makes for powerful emotional intelligence

Self-compassion makes for powerful emotional intelligence

You know that self-love is the foundation of standing in your power. But do you genuinely embrace self-compassion in how you relate to yourself and others?

Emotional intelligence comprises four elements: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management (social skills). While it might seem that self-compassion only applies to the first two elements, I think you’ll find that it amplifies your ability to be socially aware and manage relationships more effectively.

What is self-compassion?

What is love? Well, there are seven types of love that we typically know:

  • Eros: erotic, passionate love.
  • Philia: love of friends and equals (affectionate and friendly), but this is a deep trust and bond that stands the test of time.
  • Storge: parents’ protective love for children – usually referred to as “unconditional love”. While it’s very similar to philia, it is reinforced by blood, early memories, and familiarity. And it might be more “one-sided” than philia, such as a parent towards their teenage child.
  • Agape: selfless, universal love; loving-kindness.
  • Ludus – playful, flirtatious love, like with no strings.
  • Pragma – You might notice it’s “pragmatic” – committed, enduring love – grounded in duty, commitment, and practicality.
  • Philautia – Self Love: impacts our confidence and self-esteem, especially how we interact with the world.

Of course, one more is sometimes referred to, which you may or may not consider love: mania. You guessed it: that crazy, obsessive love! It could be toxic, co-dependent or any other type of fundamental imbalance.

So, why am I referring to compassion and self-compassion rather than love and self-love? Because of these seven different types of love that people commonly ascribe to the word “love”. Often, love is referred to as a feeling rather than the resulting actions and behaviour.

compassion, consciousness of connection, mBraining, Grant Soosalu, Marvin Oka

Compassion is love in action.

It might be self-compassion (love of self in action) or compassion towards others. When you are compassionate, you embody a connection with yourself and others.

While compassion may not refer so much to eros or ludus and certainly not to mania, it is the embodiment of the consciousness of loving-kindness of philia, storge, agape, pragma, and philautia.

Self-compassion refers to mindfulness, self-awareness, kindness towards yourself, and understanding. When you are compassionate towards yourself, you forgive yourself and make amends. You choose to hold healthy boundaries in relationships rather than being a doormat and pushover.

Self-compassion is strong and courageous: it empowers you to have difficult conversations and confront situations calmly. It’s not a stiff upper lip and suppression of emotions but a healthy release of whatever you need to let go.

This is why self-compassion makes for powerful emotional intelligence: it empowers you to face your feelings, healthily deal with them, have empathy and understanding of others and build stronger relationships and networks.

know thyself, self-awareness, self-compassion, self-aware, self-love

Self-compassion is essential if you want to become self-aware.

Are you willing to make time to sit with your feelings and emotions, even the uncomfortable ones? Loving yourself entirely is more than just some fuzzy feeling: it understands your motivations and behaviours, even the ones you disdain. Allow yourself to understand your strengths and weaknesses, their effects on your life and how you respond to situations and others.

When you practice self-awareness, you will recognise your emotional response to interactions and how these feelings affect your thoughts and behaviours. It also notices that these responses affect how others interact with you and any self-perpetuating cycles that you are creating.

Once you have built self-awareness, you will have faith in yourself to put yourself forward, knowing you can rely on your gut feelings when things are clear. Most importantly, you can show up as authentically you. This is the true power of self-compassion: kindness in action for yourself.

Self-management is a reflection of loving yourself:

The second part of emotional intelligence and self-compassion is that you not only notice your feelings, you decide how to express and release them. You create emotional security, knowing it is safe to have big emotions and the self-awareness to know where, when and who should be present with you as you work through them.

It is possible to have emotional intelligence when you are led by your heart: it doesn’t mean that you wear your heart on your sleeve or suppress all emotions and keep a stiff upper lip.

When you love yourself fully, you monitor your mental state and control your thoughts. You might not be able to control the first thought that comes into your head, but you can choose not to play it on repeat.

It’s also possible to control your self-talk and inner critic compassionately: avoiding self-sabotage is essential to self-management.

Whether it’s at work or with others, staying in the flow state of being calm and at ease is essential. Self-compassion knows that the best decisions are made in a calm state: you need circulation to all parts of the body and brain in perfect harmony and balance rather than being in a state of fight/flight or emotionally overwhelmed.

In this state of self-management, you can access inner wisdom and listen for that still, small voice. 

Social awareness: empathy and love of others

Having empathy and understanding for others usually starts with being self-aware. When you know your weaknesses and short-fallings, you understand others better. You can read other people’s emotions and feelings when you recognise them within yourself. Compassion and connection are only available when you have an open heart.

Social awareness is the ability to read body language, often mirroring another person, to create rapport and connection. Self-compassion allows you to notice the shifts you feel in your body as you connect and the awareness of what the other person might feel as a reflection of this connection.

Social awareness is more than just reading the room and noticing a person’s body language. It is also the ability to explain yourself and be aware of how you are understood. Communication is not what you say but what others hear and understand. Self-compassion allows you to modify your vocabulary, body language and connection to create rapport for understanding.

Most importantly, self-compassion will give you a warm embrace when you make a mistake in your social awareness and encourage you to try again.

mBraining, Grant Soosalu, Marvin Oka, compassion, kind action, sympathy, empathy

Build new relationships: Social management

Emotional intelligence isn’t something just for managers and those in leadership. Self-love is reflected in how you build authentic relationships with others. You will make the compassionate choice to build new relationships that are healthy and aligned with your values and purpose.

It’s an essential skill for parents, community members and solo entrepreneurs.

No man is an island. 

Your ability to influence, articulate and motivate others depends entirely on your ability to engage with others socially. Every relationship requires conflict management, which allows you to improve the relationship by settling differences of opinion and misunderstandings.

If you want to be a catalyst of change, you’ll need to influence others to join the journey. Sometimes, you might need to help others develop their skills and knowledge. You will be part of a team, working with others at other times.

Self-compassion is the impetus to build healthy and supportive relationships. It recognises that your social skills, emotional resilience and self-awareness all contribute to the quality of your life.

Start with the consciousness of connection:

It all begins with you: how are you connecting to all parts of yourself?

  • thoughts
  • feelings
  • sensations and bodily experiences
  • lifestyle choices
  • relationships and support
  • professional growth

Take a moment and look within with eyes of compassion. What would it mean to treat yourself with loving-kindness?

 

I want to improve my emotional intelligence.

 

Posted on Leave a comment

How stress, fear and anxiety rob us of the ability to make good decisions

stress, fear, anxiety, mental state, calm, relaxed, emotional state, physiological, make good decisions, decision-making ability, balanced breathing, digestion, gut instinct, self-awareness, mindfulness, brain dump, journaling, morning pages, commitment, self-compassion, acceptance, letting go, cybernetic loop, connection, inner circle, feelings, desires, values, priorities, connection, perspective, brainstorming, planning, obstacles, challenges, personal identity, safety and security, risk, courageous, fight, flight, freeze, fatigue, irritable, flow state

While the news media is only partly to blame, making a killing of FUDGE (fear, uncertainty, doubt, greed, and envy), they are not the sole culprits. We live in a world where fear, stress, and anxiety are normalised. Each one of us chooses, on some level, to play this game. Or at least, we pretend that we have no other choices.

But, how do we make good decisions from a state of fear, stress and anxiety? In many ways, we’re hampered by tunnel vision, unable to see options broader than the scope of escaping the immediate threats that we perceive. We move towards safety rather than seeing the broader opportunities available to us. Continue reading How stress, fear and anxiety rob us of the ability to make good decisions

Posted on Leave a comment

Outside your Comfort Zone: how to find freedom

outside your comfort zone, escape the cage, ditch the diet, face the feelings, finding freedom, a diet-free life, human becomings, consequences of staying put

One of the challenges I consistently encounter is that the restrictions of a diet allow you to ignore underlying issues. It doesn’t matter whether those are emotions, health issues or just relationships that need attention.

Following someone else’s rules hides the fact that you seek out food as a panacea for life’s challenges.

  • Are you feeling angry? Stuff it down by eating something!
  • Need comforting? Grab the ice cream.
  • Are you feeling tired? Scoff down an energy bar or drink.

But, are you living if you are ignoring underlying issues? If you’re angry: what are you frustrated or feeling powerless to change? When you need comforting, who could you call? Do you need a hug or to focus on loving yourself? If you feel tired, do you need more rest and better sleep? Is a change of lifestyle actually in order so that you no longer feel constantly tired?

If you escape the confines of diet, size and weight, you begin to experience life with all the highs and lows. Most of us never develop this level of self-awareness. It’s an uncomfortable place to explore, requiring that we dive into each of our triggers and emotional responses.

What does emotional eating allow you to hide from view?

outside your comfort zone, ditch the diet, face the feelings, Beth Gray, coaching, healthy living, lifestyle choices, compassion, courage, creativity

Habits & lifestyles

We are not merely human beings – we are human ‘becomings ‘. Each habit that we adopt, whatever it might be, forms, and shapes our future self.  Eating is a daily practice that shapes us, not just physically!

Exercising choice when you eat

Every time we sit down to eat, we face choices.

Awareness and mindfulness

The first is whether we will practice awareness and mindfulness of our body, our environment and our internal state (emotional or mental).

Practising awareness can be uncomfortable if we customarily move through life focused on stimulus, rather than our internal response.  This includes noticing whether we are hungry or whether we are eating for any other reason.

If we are not hungry, will we still choose to eat? Or will we honour the message from our body and wait until it requires food?

How do you eat?

Secondly, we face a choice of how we eat.

We control our environment to some extent: will I choose to honour “rest and digest” or will I continue in a stimulated (fight & flight) zone of doing while trying to eat.

Our bodies do much better when we sit and dedicate time exclusively to eating because we send the subconscious message that it is time to rest and digest the food. The great thing about physical hunger – as opposed to a craving – is that we might decide not to eat yet in a state of activity.

Sometimes, it is better to wait until we can sit down to eat in peace and tranquillity. Will waiting thirty minutes or an hour mean that you are less stressed when you sit down to eat?

sit down, relax, rest and digest, relaxation, stress, coffee, eating

What do you eat?

Thirdly, what will we eat?

Food should fill our senses and not just our stomach. It should be our nutrition and energy, as well as a source of joy and enjoyment. Do you enjoy how your food makes you feel: are you enjoying aroma, taste and texture? How does it make you feel thirty minutes or two hours later? Do you regret the choice later?

Our bodies regularly give us feedback about the food we choose. Feedback includes:

  • clarity of mind or foggy brain
  • lethargy and tiredness
  • energy levels
  • the ability (or not) to sleep deeply regularly
  • feeling crowded or full shortly after eating
  • gassiness or bloated
  • light and easy

Stop and get moving

Finally, we face the choice of when to stop eating and return to activity. This choice requires the same level of internal awareness that we started with.

  • Am I honouring my body by stopping my eating before feeling crowded or full? Have I listened to what my body has to say about “enough”?
  • How do I feel physically, emotionally and mentally?
  • Am I ready to get back to movement and activity, or do I need to rest for a few more minutes?

Every choice influences what we become

Our relationship with food is merely a reflection of our relationship with self. When you feel love and compassion for yourself, you make better choices for your body.

Do I choose to honour and respect myself in the way that I eat and drink?

The habit of how, when, and where we choose to eat impacts every aspect of life, including:

  • how productive you are
  • your energy levels after eating and while digesting
  • choices about exercise and movement
  • whether or not you can sleep deeply and well every night
  • the relationships that you have (do they have the same eating habits that you have?)
  • the activities that you can carry out.

All of your day-to-day choices impact your health and wellness.

lifestyle choices, walking, outside your comfort zone, comfort zones, activity, movement, choices

The challenge to get outside your comfort zone

One of the problems with comfort zones is that they become familiar. Take a moment now to note your comfort zone when it comes to food and eating. Do you sit down to eat, or are you eating on the run?

Are you comfortable following a diet that someone else has set, which controls things like:

  • portion size;
  • calorie intact;
  • types of food that you are allowed to eat; or
  • when you are allowed to eat.

One of the reasons that comfort zones work is that they allow us to be more effective and efficient. Great comfort zones will enable you to dive deeply into developing yourself.  As you work within your comfort zone, you grow – taller & with deeper roots.

The question is: are you growing and developing within this comfort zone that you’ve built?

“Unless you do something beyond what you have already mastered, you will never grow”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Caged-in by your comfort zone

What happens when nothing new is happening?

If we stay too long in any position, our muscles start to atrophy.  If your leg went to sleep while you were sitting down, you would get up and move around and shake it until it was completely awake and all the blood had come back to all nerves and movement was fluid once more.

Why would you not do this with your life?

At that point, ask yourself – am I still on the top of my game? Am I innovating in my life, health and well-being – moving with the changing climate & conditions?

When we have success (as we have when we start a new diet), there is the temptation to think we’ve done enough.  But is this keeping us on top of our health and getting to know yourself better?

The consequences of staying put

What happens if you stay on a diet? You atrophy.

It’s much like only doing one exercise or one workout. The muscles get used to that movement and stop developing. Change is often a good thing!

And if you manage to lose the weight you wanted (or you get bored or stop getting results), you go back to life as it was before the diet. Before you know it, you’ve started to put the weight back on and lose the physical conditioning that you had gained by being on the strict regime.

Nothing changed within.

changes, lifestyle choices, ditch the diet, face the feelings, inner energy, stress, tired

For the change to be effective: you have to change!

If you’ve lived continuously by someone else’s rules, when you stop, you find yourself in limbo – in a space that no longer works effectively.

If we are not living & developing, we are withering.   It doesn’t matter how big or how old the sequoia is in the forest – if it stops growing, it is dying!

Is it time to get to know yourself, your body and your triggers to grow beyond where you are?

Getting outside your comfort zone

Start by considering three words:

  • compassion,
  • creativity, and
  • courage.

If you lived with deep compassion for yourself and others in your life, what choices would you make about eating and drinking? How would you choose to love and respect your body each day?

Is the way that you are living life at the moment supporting your creativity? For example, if you overeat and are always tired and lethargic after a meal, is your creativity being stifled by brain fog? If you are living on a diet, are you feeling constantly hungry and unable to get in flow? How does your lifestyle support creativity in the ways that it shows up for you?

Finally, do you have the courage to love yourself as you are today? To truly get to know yourself in a way that allows you to make changes? What does moving forward with courage in your life look like?

To get outside your comfort zone, you will need to ditch the diet of the rules you’ve been living by and face the feelings about everything that comes up in life! If food was not available: what would you have to face?

This is where you will find your freedom to grow. It will be uncomfortable, but undoubtedly worth it.

Choosing opportunities – identify your vision and values.

If you want to ditch the diet, I’d suggest you start with identifying your values and vision. This creates the opportunity to be the best version of you – a human becoming!

The person that will change your life is you!

the person that will change your life is you, look in the mirror, change, transformation, ditch the diet

If you want to live without rules, then you need a guiding light that you create.

  • What do you want?
  • Why do you want it?
  • How will you get it?

For me, for example, I want to be in excellent health because I have a 7-year-old daughter. I want to have the energy and physical strength to keep up with her in the years to come. I’m not looking to have a great beach body that others praise and admire: instead, I’m looking at stamina, health and well-being. That is my why, and it influences the questions of what and how I go about creating this.

If you take away the diet and restrictions: what do you want and why do you want it?

What do you want to have? be? do? create?

“Are you motivated? Are you coherent? Is your intention aligned? Are you feet, tongue, heart & wallet congruent?  That intention shines through.”

― Peter Guber

Use hunger as your compass.

There is no need to be afraid of feelings of hunger or cravings, especially when you learn to differentiate physical hunger (needing food and nutrients) from another hunger or craving.

Like any other emotion, hunger can be resourceful or unresourceful.

  • How will you choose to use your hunger? Do you let it guide your respect for yourself and your body?
  • Will you allow it to be a compass that shows you the way? Do you listen to what it shows you?
  • Are you hungry to create, to move or to have? Perhaps you’re hungry for knowledge and learning. On the hand, it might be a hunger to satisfy your curiosity.
  • What satisfies you in life?
  • What do you need in your life to have energy and vitality?

Support moving forward

Start by looking at who is supporting you. One of the reasons that diets and personal trainers work is because you have someone supporting you and providing you with accountability.

If you choose to live without a diet, you need that very same support and network that will allow you to discover yourself!

  • Which members of your family or friends can support you and help as you move through this?
  • Do you have a mentor or coach that will ask you the right questions?
  • Do you have a professional adviser to turn to when you lack information? This might be a nutritionist, dietician or even a health coach. They will think in terms of rules and diets (most likely), but explain to them what you are looking to create for yourself and find the right one that supports the journey.
  • How will you discover what you are hungry for?

As you move outside your comfort zone, regularly check that you are receiving the support you need.

Ready to move outside your comfort zone?

introductory call, Beth Gray, coach, coaching packages, phone call, Zoom, Skype, online, purpose, expectations, value, fit