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Make life better: how to live abundantly and authentically

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If you wanted to make life better, where would you start?

I recently listened to Ken Honda and Lewis Howes talk about abundance. Ken Honda made a fascinating observation on assets: tangible versus intangible.

This applies to your measurement of success as to your measure of wealth and abundance. What intangibles allow you to say that you are wealthy and successful?

  • great health and energy
  • wonderful family relationships
  • fun, adventures and hobbies
  • self-image and confidence
  • spiritual growth and wellbeing
  • personal achievements

What are your measurements of abundance and success? Are they an authentic reflection of everything you want in your life?

Life management is about being well adjusted. ... being able to stand against the wind of disappointment. Time is not really the important element. It is what time represents that matters. Time management is not about a list of things in order of priority that must be completed... Time management is about life management. Given that life is mostly about intangible things, does it not make sense to learn to control them - things such as thoughts, desires, anger, curiosity, ambition, motivation, sadness, hurt and sorrow? Althought we live in a tangible world, life itself occurs within our mind, spirit and soul. Jonar C. Nader, How to Lose Friends & Infuriate People, a controversial book for thinkers.

How do you define abundance and success?

If I asked you how much money you want, you might say three million or five million. But what would that money buy for you? Does money buy happiness? Would it buy health and great relationships?

We all know people who have money but don’t have health or don’t have healthy relationships. Likewise, you might know asset poor people, yet they have excellent physical health and relationships.

If you want to live abundantly and authentically, the first step is clarifying what you mean by this. What is your definition of abundance? How do you define success for yourself?

It’s easy to accept and believe another person’s definition. We are all influenced by parents, family and friends, influencers, and society. Here are cultural norms and constraints that tell us how we should define them.

Nonetheless, it would help if you established your definition of what abundance and success look and feel like. Only then will you be able to live authentically: reflecting your standards.

define success, abundance, abundantly, authentic, authenticity, goal setting, wellbeing is an inside job

Make life better: Tangible versus intangible assets

There are so many different tools and products that can help you design your blueprint for success.

For example, the Life Book looks at twelve categories: Health and Fitness, Intellectual Life, Emotional Life, Character, Spiritual Life, Love Relationships, Parenting, Social Life, Financial, Career, Quality of Life, and Life Vision.

I would consider the following “assets” when you are defining success and abundance.

Wealth: possessions and finances

More than how much money you have in the bank, I would suggest you have a wishlist of possessions you would like.

I realised many years ago that I didn’t want to own a boat. I love going out on sailboats and motorboats! B t I don’t want to own one and be responsible for the maintenance and upkeep. I m much happier knowing I can charter one for a few days or rent one for a few hours.

Similarly, I realised I don’t want to own a beach house as a second home. I’ve had a second home, and while it was beautiful to have a place to call my own, I let it go after a couple of years when I realised that it had become a weight rather than a joy.

I might buy a beach house to live in, but if we’re talking about weekends away, I would much instead rent one on Airbnb. This allows me flexibility in which beach I go on holiday to. It also means I have no monthly maintenance and care to worry about.

So, take some time to consider how you define wealth in terms of possessions and finances. W at are your aspirations and dreams? W at tangible assets do you want to own, or what would you like access to?

wealth, abundance, tangible assets, intangible assets, happiness, joy, fun, hobbies

Financial security and income

Similar to possessions and investments is the question of income. H w much income do you want to have each year for the lifestyle you desire? You might get this income from passive investments. Alternatively, your income might be generated from your business or something you are actively involved with.

What are your ideal sources of income? How many sources of income do you want to have to support your lifestyle? Consider the time and effort maintaining those streams of income takes?

Do you want this income to be active or passive?

active income, passive income, earning money, working, professional, careeer

Career and professional activities

If you created a collage of all the areas of your life – would your career and professional activities be up front and centre? How big would that picture be in your vision board to represent the importance and value it has for you?

For some people, career and professional assets are of high importance. B t this isn’t the case for everyone. A  the end of the day, if you are to live authentically, you need to decide what importance it has for you.

For example, if you are a polymath, you might have many interests and activities rather than one central idea that is key to everything.

While there might be tangible parts of your career, there are also many intangibles. What is truly important for you?

Health & Wellbeing

Can you put a price on your health? Having run my health into the ground in pursuit of my career and business goals, I’d be the first to tell you that health is priceless! If you have good health, treasure it.

What are you willing to change to regain health and vitality if you’re suffering from chronic illness?

As you take stock of your life and assets, consider the state of your health and wellbeing. How does this play into your lifestyle and doing what you love?

health and wellbeing, chronic illness, vitality, energy

Relationships: friends and family

Another essential part of life is friends and family. T eir importance may ebb and wane throughout the years, like the tides. But we are all social beings (even introverts) who need connection.

It’s not about having “a relationship” but rather the quality of our relationships that define us. This is true at every stage of life.

When building your list of assets, consider what you have and what you’d like to have. What would you like to create? And what do you need to discard?

friends and family, relationships change, building new relationships, parenting, priorities

Social life: fun, adventure and hobbies

Have you considered the intangibles that bring you joy? Ma y priceless moments of joy in life cost nothing but your time and presence.

Could you make your life better by incorporating more time for simple moments?

What have you listed and prioritised in your goals that spark joy as you define success and abundance? Ha e you created space for fun, adventure and hobbies?

fun, hobbies, adventure, enjoyment, creating a lifestyle you love

Personal growth, self-image and confidence

You’ve probably noticed that each item on this list appears to get more intangible. You’ve probably included goals and dreams for professional growth: but what did you include for your personal growth?

What about your growth journey is essential to you?

Spirituality

This takes many forms. For some people, it might be religion, meditation, or spiritual practice. For others, it might simply be standing in the power of now, staying present and in their body.

Who defines your spiritual path? What weight and importance does it have in assessing your success and abundance?

Achievements and legacy

The final aspect you might consider in making life better is what you leave behind when you go. I realised this week that three people I have mentored in my past career are now in important positions in government.

What impact are you leaving on the world?

In your definition of success and abundance, have you included the importance of what remains after you have passed through another person’s life? Wh t are you leaving them with?

Make life better while achieving your goals.

Once you’ve had a chance to consider your tangible and intangible assets and define for yourself abundance and success, you might consider taking stock of your life.

This is where you take a moment to see where you are – here and now. Wh t’s the present condition?

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Make life better: start by taking stock

Resources:

The life wheel is composed of 12 sections, representative of the most important aspects of life:

  1. Health
  2. Personal Growth
  3. Achievement
  4. Career
  5. Wealth
  6. Family
  7. Relationships
  8. Social Life
  9. Expression
  10. Adventure
  11. Fun & Hobbies
  12. Physical Environment

Make life better: clarifying your goals

Once you know where you are and what you want, it’s time to clarify your goals, breaking them down into more realistic steps.

You build a life by making career and professional changes, implementing new choices, and building new relationships. Li ing abundantly and authentically is about creating the life you want, which requires that you clarify your expectations and then dive into the decision-making process of goal setting.

You describe your ideal life, not just your financial or career goals. Your self-awareness – how you “know thyself” – will impact your alignment with your values. Ultimately, wellbeing is an inside job: your start within, connecting with your inner wisdom.

Maintaining success depends on your ability to reassess your goals, no matter how relationships change over time.

You can make life better by using your compassion, courage and creativity to create a lifestyle you love!

How you might think about money and abundance:

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Radical Forgiveness bookclub: how to do the inner healing

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A new book club group kicks off in early July. We will be reading Colin Tipping’s “Radical Forgiveness: A Revolutionary Five-Stage Process to Heal Relationships – Let Go of Anger & Blame – Find Peace in Any Situation”.

What to expect in our book club:

As the book has 30 chapters, we will be meeting over ten weeks and discussing three chapters each week. You should read in advance and come ready for the discussion. Join us for the meeting if you still get behind in the reading.

Skim reading is also an option when you’re running late!

As with all of my book club discussions, our discussion of Radical Forgiveness will not just be about “What did you learn?”. The most significant debate will be “How are you applying what you learned in your life and relationships?“.

All knowing is doing!

And that’s the natural beauty of what happens in my book club discussion groups! We don’t just learn together. We put it into practice and discuss the ups and downs.

Radical Forgiveness: the details

We are meeting on Wednesdays, with two times available.

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The earlier option allows readers in the UK and Europe to join us.

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This second option is later for those in the Americas but is also open to those in New Zealand and the eastern side of Australia (my apologies to those in Perth).

The start date is Wednesday – July 6th. It will run for ten weeks, finishing the first week of September. It’s okay to miss a week or two if you are on summer holidays.

If you miss a week or get behind on the reading – skip ahead. Catch up with the chapters we are discussing, then go back to what you missed.

We do not RECORD these sessions – to ensure the privacy of the discussions!

Cost: almost free (purchase Radical Forgiveness yourself)

  1. You need to buy the book!
  2. Your time and effort: reading weekly and then showing up for the discussion.

So, you see, while I’m not charging you for it – you will have to invest time and money to take advantage of this!

I believe you can purchase the book on Amazon – it is available on Kindle and Audible if you prefer to listen to it. I always like the book in my hands – and it’s underlined with messy notes in the margins! But that’s me.

For more information, join my Facebook group for the book club. It has the times, and each week I will post the details of which chapters we are reading and occasionally post my favourite quotes.

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You can join us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/bookclubbethgraycoach.

Forgiveness, Ho’oponopono and letting go

Just a reminder that I also offer one-to-one coaching sessions on Forgiveness and Letting Go.

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Emotional intelligence: 9 ways to build your self-awareness

alignment, authenticity, awareness, brain, choices, coach, compassion, connection, creativity, decision-making process, emotional intelligence, emotions, expectations, fear, feelings, gut, head, heart, know thyself, loving-kindness, mBraining, self-awareness, values, wisdom

Great relationships, connections and networking are built on the foundation of emotional intelligence. It’s not enough to pretend to control your feelings, but rather to be fully in touch with your emotions and use them resourcefully.

Although you might have heard of emotional intelligence as if it were a single skill, several different skills and practices come together that allow you to stay in touch with your emotions and those around you. 

Typically, there are four key areas to emotional intelligence: self-management, self-awareness, social awareness, and relationship management. The nine skills in self-awareness that I will share with you overlap with all four of these areas. 

It takes an extraordinary self-awareness to use your emotions effectively to create a better life and stronger relationships. 

I want to share nine ways to build self-awareness with you, allowing you to use your emotions effectively without simply swallowing them or ignoring your feelings.  

Some people think only intellect counts: knowing how to solve problems, knowing how to get by, knowing how to identify an advantage and seize it. But the functions of intellect are insufficient without courage, love, friendship, compassion, and empathy., Dean Koontz quote

1. Creating safety is the first step of emotional intelligence

Emotions can run high and may be overwhelming. Physiologically, this impacts rational thought. At that moment, emotions can overcome you, putting you in a reactive state rather than measuring your words and focusing on your thoughts. 

If you want to practice self-awareness, the first step to master is creating safety; much like you would for a toddler having a tantrum. If you’ve read Crucial Conversations, Non-Violent Communication or any other book on negotiation skills, you will be conversant with the need to create safety. First, safety for yourself. Then safety for others that are with you. 

Safety might be physical safety, but it’s often emotional and mental safety. More often than not, it’s safety in your body – turning off the fight/flight/freeze response in your nervous system and bringing yourself into a calm (yet alert) state. 

You want to be in touch with your emotions without being overpowered by them.  

Until you have mastered the ability to create safety, you will find it impossible to stay in touch with your emotions and your rational mind at the same time. 

Emotional intelligence requires that you step into mindfulness.

Intentionally create a space within yourself that is safe and calm. Notice if you need a change in your physical environment to create safety: a library, café or stepping away from the person or situation. 

If we lack emotional intelligence, whenever stress rises the human brain switches to autopilot and has an inherent tendency to do more of the same, only harder. Which, more often than not, is precisely the wrong approach in today's world., Robert K. Cooper quotes

2. Mindfulness and body scans: building self-awareness

How do you know you are in a relaxed and calm state, where you feel safe? 

The short answer: because you know what it feels like to be calm and relaxed! 

One of the ways that you achieve this, is by regularly practising mindfulness or doing a body scan. Mindfulness can be practised in many different ways: 

  • Watching your thoughts without getting caught in them 
  • Noticing your emotions 
  • Focusing on your breath or heartbeat 
  • Sitting in nature and concentrating on the sounds or just watching 
  • Sitting in a plaza or at a café and watching the world pass you by, being present with the world around you

Coming back to yourself

But most of us don’t need help staying in our heads or focusing on the world around us. What we avoid is being present in our bodies and with ourselves.  School teaches us that the only memory that matters is in our head and that our thoughts and mindset can change anything. 

While that is true to some extent, ignoring all the rest of you can result in challenges for emotional intelligence.  

So, practice being present in your body: 

  • notice your breath and the rise and fall of your chest, 
  • feel your heartbeat in your neck or belly, and 
  • pay attention to the state and sensations in your gut: are there any knots in your stomach?  Are your guts churning, or are they perfectly at peace?  

Noticing the sensations in your body is a small step towards greater self-awareness. It can help you monitor tension, stress and emotions.  

A body scan

Get used to running a body scan: starting at your toes, travelling up your legs, through your hips, and up your spine. Notice where you typically hold tension, and any muscles that you find that are tense, tighten them even further, hold for ten seconds, and then totally relax them. Now, notice the difference in how relaxed you are.  

Over time, you will begin to notice what emotional states can be identified in your body and how to return to a calm and relaxed state.  

Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate, C. Jung quotes

3. Emotional intelligence makes meaning of what you are feeling

Part of the power of emotional intelligence is understanding what you feel (putting a name on the emotion) and making meaning of why you feel this way. 

You often think, “I don’t know why I feel this way”. 

When you don’t know why you feel angry, you might feel helpless to change the situation. This can be disempowering. 

We are wired to make meaning in our heads of our emotions, telling ourselves stories that justify the way we feel and then allowing us to choose how to act. 

Of course, emotional intelligence requires that the meaning we make be accurate!  

Ways we can make meaning of our emotions.

Some of the ways you might make meaning of your emotions: 

  1. Use an emotion wheel to identify what emotion you are feeling 
  2. Make the sensation or feeling bigger, and then remember another moment in the past when you felt this way. Allow that memory to resurface. Notice what is the same about this situation. Also, take note of what is different. Is this emotion merely a reflection of the past, or is it something to be dealt with in the present? 
  3. Journal about what you felt when this emotion appeared and the events and thoughts around it. And, as I said, perhaps consider events or situations from the past that were similar in which you felt the same way. What similarities and differences do these stories have? 

It is very important to understand that emotional intelligence is not the opposite of Intelligence, it is not the triumph of heart over head. It is the unique intersection of both, David Caruso quotes

Making meaning of your emotions does not require you to overthink or overanalyse things. It is merely noticing what is going on in life and your emotions and feelings. 

From this perspective, you can then choose how to move forward with these emotions. 

4. Thinking about your feelings: using your rational mind

While it’s not helpful to go overboard in thinking about your feelings, your rational mind plays a role in creating emotional intelligence.

Emotions are not good or bad. 

As I’ve mentioned, your feelings can be motivating and helpful, or they can hinder your progress and create chaos in your relationships. 

I’ve already mentioned the power of jealousy – you might use it as a map to show you what you desire in life. Just because another person has something does not mean that you cannot achieve what you want.  

When you feel jealous, you might take time to analyse what that person is doing differently: why have they succeeded where you haven’t? What lessons can you learn from them? And do you want exactly what they have? Or is your jealousy simply shedding light on the path ahead?  

Allow yourself to explore your emotions with some detachment, noticing what you notice. 

We define emotional intelligence as the subset of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions, John Mayer And Peter Salovey

5. Emotional intelligence in relationships

The biggest challenge you will face is how you relate to others. Those closest to you know your triggers and pressure points best. They probably know exactly where and when to poke you to get the most significant response.  

Another perspective that you can gain on your emotions is your relationships: 

  • How are you relating to yourself at the moment? Are you showing yourself compassion and loving-kindness? 
  • What are these feelings you’re experiencing right now? Do they reflect needs that you have failed to meet? 
  • How might you do a better job in relating to yourself? 

Ways you relate to others.

In the same way, how are your emotions and feelings resulting from how you relate to others? Do you have unmet expectations? Perhaps you made a story in your mind of how the relationship was meant to be, and you are finding that reality does not meet your expectations.  

Notice how you are relating to others: 

  • body language 
  • tone of voice 
  • emotional state 

Could there be a better way of relating to them if you took different actions?  

Also, consider whether you want to invest more or less time in how you relate to this person. How would spending more time with them impact your emotions and feelings? What if you spent less time and took a break from them? 

Emotional intelligence requires that you keep an awareness of your choices – how do you choose to relate to yourself and others? 

Emotional intelligence is your ability to recognize and understand emotions in yourself and others, and your ability to use this awareness to manage your behavior and relationships, Travis Bradberry

6. Your emotions and what is important to you

One of the reasons for emotional conflict and turmoil is that we fail to give time, money and energy to what we value most. One of our emotional intelligence roles is noticing when we feel angry or conflicted to make better choices.  

Questions that you might ask yourself to get insight: 

  • What situation(s) give rise to these feelings?  
  • What needs or desires have you overlooked or ignored? Which values did you stomp over?  

Your emotional intelligence is aided by a clear idea of your values: what do you say you value, and what do you feel? Do your emotions and feelings match what you think, do and say?  

Values and what you hold important also impact your emotional intelligence in relationships. Do your relationships and the people in your life (family, friends and work) uphold your values? Or are you constantly making concessions that leave you feeling inauthentic? 

Can you have authentic conversations with the people that matter in your life about the things that truly matter? 

When you are in touch with your emotional state and what you value, your conversations will open up new possibilities. Are you willing to listen to what they love and hold essential? 

Emotional intelligence is the ability to sense, understand, and effectively apply the power and acumen of emotions as a source of human energy, information, connection, and influence, Robert K. Cooper

7. Your emotions are not who you are

You’ve probably said it many times: 

  • I am angry
  • I am frustrated; or 
  • any other range of I am (emotion)

But that’s not who you are! It is merely how you are feeling. If you are the sky, your emotions and feelings are the weather passing through. Some days you have sunshine and joy, and others are cloudy with tears. 

Emotional intelligence requires that you sit deep in your gut and connect with who you truly are. Consider where you hold your sense of self. 

I’m pretty sure it’s not in your head! 

It’s somewhere deep within – for some people, closer to the heart and the thorax. For others, it’s closer to the belly button or deeper into the pelvis. And some feel it further back, towards the spine, rather than in the belly.

Only you know where you can sit with yourself. If you’ve never done this exercise before, I invite you to sit and be in your body, exploring and discovering where you feel most “you”.  

And then play! 

Move between sitting in the silence of being and exploring your emotions and sensations in your body. Notice how it feels just to be you versus what emotions and feelings are stirred up. 

An exercise in exploration

If you have an active imagination and can easily re-enact situations, think of a time when you were very angry or frustrated. Remember the people, the place and the sounds. Amplify your feelings and sensations of being angry. Notice what and where you feel this. 

Now, stand up and shake or dance for a moment, and then sit down and find that place again within yourself. And sit for a moment in the calm of being. 

Shake again. 

Now, remember a time that you were happy, laughing and joyful. Once again, add in the details of people, places, sounds and aromas. Amplify your feelings of joy and laughter. Where do you feel this? What are the sensations of fun and laughter? 

Shake it off, and return to that place of self.  

Emotional intelligence is partly the ability to differentiate yourself from your emotions. It takes practice. 

Inner Peace = Wisdom Anger & fear close down your cognitive capacity and limit creativity. On the other hand, happiness and joy enhance problem-solving abilities, creativity, decision-making and memory. It's not about faking it... just find calm, loving your life, grant soosalu

8. Using emotional intelligence to measure risk

One of the skills of an emotionally intelligent person is that they know how to trust their gut. The challenge you face with your gut instinct is that it never speaks in complete sentences and typically doesn’t give an explanation.

It’s just a gut feeling. 

Think about the physiology of the gut and the role it plays in your body: 

  • it is responsible for deciding whether to accept nutrients (digest) or to excrete what doesn’t serve you, deciding what is “self” or “not-self.” 
  • 80% of the immune system is in the gut 

So, does it surprise you, then, that gut feelings are often about boundaries or keeping you safe? 

That’s what your gut does for you! But, it’s not very good at talking or explaining itself coherently. 

There are several ways to build self-awareness so that you can trust your gut: 

  • practice being calm and at peace so that you know what this feels like; 
  • when something “doesn’t feel right”, allow yourself to consider when you have felt this way previously? What situation were you in where this sensation appeared? What was the outcome of this situation? 
  • Journal some questions for your gut and sleep on them. Then answer the questions in the morning “off the top of your head”, without analysing them much. Notice any dreams or images that might come up when you first awaken. 

Trust is something that you build, and it typically has four factors: 

  1. communication,
  2. consistency,  
  3. competence, and  
  4. caring. 

You can practice these with your gut instinct to build greater trust. (Competence is about allowing your gut to do boundaries, rather than letting your head overthink and anxiously catastrophise situations).  

Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie to you, Donald Calne

9. Using movement to get in touch with your feelings

Finally, recognise that emotions typically ask us for a response: what action will you take? The answer might be a smile or laughter and engagement if you are joyful. When you are sad, it’s okay to cry. 

It’s easy to simplify emotion to E(energy) in Motion

When you feel numb, one way to get in touch with your feelings is to move your body! 

  • Go for a walk or a run; 
  • Dance or jump around; 
  • Stretch gently and slowly; or 
  • Scream and cry at the top of your lungs (it’s also helpful to choose where and how to do this)! 

Once you are in touch with your feelings, they often show you a way forward: a conversation you need to have, a decision you need to make.  

Emotional intelligence will keep you moving forward in your life and relationships.

The essential difference between emotion and reason is that emotion leads to action while reason leads to conclusions, Roger Ebert quote

How to build self-awareness for emotional intelligence

So, here you have nine ways to build more self-awareness that will help you grow your skills of emotional intelligence:  

  1. Create safety within and externally;  
  2. Practice mindfulness and being present in your body;  
  3. Make meaning of your feelings 
  4. Use your rational mind to think about your feelings 
  5. Consider your feelings in how you relate to yourself and others 
  6. Take time to look at your values and what’s important to you 
  7. Find that place of self and identity  within you where you are completely present 
  8. Learn to trust your gut 
  9. Use movement to get in touch with your feelings 

Mastery of your emotional intelligence comes with practice. I don’t have a magic wand to give you! 

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A new perspective for wisdom: change your view of the world

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Have the past two years given you a new perspective and way of looking at the world? Perhaps slowing down the world and removing many of life’s pleasures and distractions allowed you to look at your meaning and purpose.

  • How do you view the world and your life?
  • What wisdom have you acquired from looking at the world differently?

Continue reading A new perspective for wisdom: change your view of the world

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How stress, fear and anxiety rob us of the ability to make good decisions

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While the news media is only partly to blame, making a killing of FUDGE (fear, uncertainty, doubt, greed, and envy), they are not the sole culprits. We live in a world where fear, stress, and anxiety are normalised. Each one of us chooses, on some level, to play this game. Or at least, we pretend that we have no other choices.

But, how do we make good decisions from a state of fear, stress and anxiety? In many ways, we’re hampered by tunnel vision, unable to see options broader than the scope of escaping the immediate threats that we perceive. We move towards safety rather than seeing the broader opportunities available to us. Continue reading How stress, fear and anxiety rob us of the ability to make good decisions